One liners

• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the chop.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...

How do they circumcise whales?
They send down four skindivers.

"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Go home and pull yourself together."

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause sudden attacks of dyslexia. Hwoever htis is olny ni extreem cas s off ovre doing it. K.O?

One good pun deserves another

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Top inventions of past 100 years

1. Frozen food
2. Pasteurised milk
3. Sanitary products<
4. Microwaveable food
5. Tea bags
6. Instant coffee
7. Ring-pull cans
8. Sliced bacon
9. Drinks in plastic bottles
10. Disposable nappies.

"If it wasn't for the invention of the Venetian Blind it would be curtains for all of us"

A dentist to his patient: "Your haliotosis is so bad when you burp your teeth duck!"

A small boy is lost so he goes up to a policeman and says "I can't find my dad."
"What's he like?" the policeman enquires. "Beer and women," replies the boy.

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